Friday, 18 March 2011

Comic Relief - Red Nose Day 2011

Friday March 18th is Red Nose Day 2011 and we're watching it with you. We'll be live-blogging our way through the main Comic Relief show from 7pm, so leave your comments below or follow us on Twitter @POPSICULTURE and let us know what you think. We're with you till the end on this one...

Oh... and by the way... you can DONATE HERE (at the official Red Nose Day site)

Comic Relief - As It Happens...

OK, so we're gonna break this down roughly hour by hour - they'll be changing presenters on the telly and we've got an idea of what we can expect from each hour. Not sure if it's actually gonna pan out this way, but I guess we can wing it.

7-8.15pm - Michael McIntyre and Claudia Winkleman

What we're expecting:
- Outnumbered feat. Andy Murray
- Doctor Who
- Comic Relief Does MasterChef feat. Ruby Wax, Claudia Winkleman and Miranda Hart

As it happens:

7pm: We're off, with an introduction from 'his majesty the king'. Oh, it's actually Lenny Henry. I didn't see that one coming...

Lenny quickly gives way to Michael McIntyre and Claudia Winkleman, who is glowing with pregnancy and looks a little bit like a red nose, in the nicest possible way (I love you Winkleface.)

OK, we're into the first mention of the number - 03457 910 910 if you want to donate - please donate - and David Tennant reporting on giving sight to the blind. I seem to remember that being a miracle, wasn't it? Now you can do it yourself, for a couple of quid.

This is the focus (no eyesight pun intended) for this first hour - every £150 pays for a child to see. Every £34 pays for an adult to see.

7:13: Outnumbered may already be the best thing that happens tonight. Andy Murray's a spare wheel - the kids, as always, are the stars.

7:17: Alesha Dixon's reporting on the way the money's spent in the UK, reminding us that we're fundraising for projects both at home and abroad. Hey, what's that song? Oh, it's The Wanted with this year's official anthem. Nice.

7:19: Oo, it's the Doctor Who special. I missed you, Karen Gillan... I'll be back shortly, readers...

7:23: Is it me, or is this first hour going pretty quickly? More from David Tennant - and the people who really need our help tonight. Should anybody be blind when they don't have to be? I don't think so.

That music during the cataract operation was Tired Pony - The Deepest Ocean. Great track.

And back on-track - £34 clearly can buy happiness. Let's not forget that between now and 1am.

7:27: We're back inside the TARDIS... inside the TARDIS. With two Amy Ponds. Flirting with each other. This is the best thing since Fearne Cotton in a swimsuit.

7:32: Hey, they ARE there! It's The Wanted with this year's official Comic Relief single (think I said 'anthem' earlier... I was in Children in Need mode, sorry...)

Buy it now from iTunes and help support Comic Relief

7:36: It's that Peter Dickson, the Voiceover Man. Saying a big thank you to all the supporters who make Red Nose Day happen. BT alone have raised over £350,000 - nice work guys.

7:39: Lauren's story. She's 15, and a home carer for her mum. These are the most inspirational stories for me - why isn't this kid allowed a normal life? Where's the help for her mum? 03457 910 910, that's where.

7:42: Time for a bit of celebrity MasterChef. Winkleface, Ruby Wax and Miranda Hart attempting to cook for the prime minister. What? Seriously? Well, given that it's Comic Relief... humorously??

Forgive me if I take a moment to pour some wine... I'm still watching, I promise!

Ruby Wax: "I've never used a refrigerator." Brilliant.

7:50: Helen Skelton, there's something about you that I kinda like. Highwire walking seems a little easier than the endurance tasks of previous years, but I reckon that's just me being ignorant.

How much did she raise, single-handedly? £253,789. Not bad for a one-woman effort! Aw, she did a very professional link to what's happening across the country, too. I like Helen, she's nice.

(and it's The Wanted again, with this year's official single, Gold Forever)

7:55: Steel yourselves, people. This one's gonna hurt. Esther, whose father died of AIDS, mother is dying of AIDS and is herself dying of AIDS. You can help these people have a life in the time that they have. Sometimes there's nothing more to do.

7:59: To take us into hour 2, McFly with a special thank you for all the people who've helped to sell red noses and all the other stuff that makes us all look silly on Red Nose Day.

8:02: The Red Nose Trek guys are on the stage. Wonder how much they've raised? They're looking in good spirits. Michael McIntyre seems surprised anyone likes Craig David. I'm saying nothing.

And the trekkers' total: £1,375,037. That's actually pretty impressive for something that didn't get blanket live coverage on the red button...

8:06: The first official total so far:


8.15-9.20pm - Graham Norton and Davina McCall

What we're expecting:
- EastEnders special
- Downton Abbey feat. Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Kim Cattrall and Victoria Wood
- Ant and Dec's race against time

As it happens:

8:08 Okay we're running just a tad late, but Graham and Dav are here. And they can't resist a bit of tonsil hockey to kick things off. That should nip that sexual tension in the bud.

8:11 Time for a little Let's Dance recap, and they/you raised an impressive £1,201,832 via the votes.

8:15 A slight gap there as the Chinese just turned up. Harry Hill has appeared on screen with the Spring/Autumnwatch team. Superb pratfalls from Alex Jones, Bill Oddie up a tree and Ronnie Corbett is hiding in the bushes. Textbook surreal sketch from Harry Hill.

8:24: Kirstie Allsopp's got a confession to make. I think we missed the best of it, to be honest.

Hi lovely Thandie Newton. Did she basically just tell a fart joke then get kicked off? Eurgh.

Hi Richard Ba- oh, bye Richard Bacon.

8:27: And we're back into Celebrity MasterChef. Good luck girls - pull it together!

That was some classic Ruby Wax whispering to camera right there. Brings back the memories of when I was too young to stay up!

Winkleface has pulled a bit of a blinder there, she hops, skips and jumps back in to the kitchen. I think she's happy.

Miranda serves up a trip to the Pizza Hut Ice Cream Factory I think...but replace the ice cream with meringue.

8:34 And the winner is...Miranda, for introducing the PM to Gummi Bears, who else could it possibly be?

8:36 Err, 5ive...I mean Blue are on my screen. Is everyone else seeing this? Maltesers have raised £1,101,807, for the record.

8:39 Right, so EastEnders are doing something that I can't be arsed to get my head around. It's a bit on the quiet side too...I remember there being more shouting in EastEnders.

Technical difficulties. Davina fills in like a pro...well, a slightly flustered pro.

8:42: OK, the hard-hitting EastEnders episode was a bit moot (mute? Come on, I'm doing my best here...) so it's time for some comedy instead, with Uptown Downstairs Abbey... or something like that. It's a cast of thousands, it seems.

Oo, the 10 o'Clock News is on at 10 o'Clock, and not 10 o'Clock and a Half as planned tonight. So it'll be a quick switch to BBC Two from 10:00 while it's on. Stick with us - Comic Relief has to be showing some of the most important world events, that you just don't get to see most days.

8:50: Still no EastEnders, so we're with Lenny Henry et al, famous but living in poverty with people whose lives are, frankly, horrific. I can genuinely believe this is the toughest thing Lenny's ever had to see. And I can't really tell which is Matt Cardle and which is Biffy Clyro, but it's one of them dubbed over the end of it...

8:55: Davina seems to be turning on the 'zany' in order to avoid sobbing while thanking TK Maxx for selling this year's T-shirt. They are pretty cool, actually.

How much did they raise? "An eye-watering" £3,000,112. That is pretty incredible.

8:58: Almost a total, but no, we're back to EastEnders. This could be kinda interesting...

9:10: It's time for another total, and this time it's... hang on, is that right? Apparently it's...


9.20-10.30pm - Dermot O'Leary

What we're expecting:
- Peter Kay
- James Corden as Smithy
- Harry Hill and his wildlife friends
- Take That and Adele perform live

9:12: OK, it's a little bit ahead of schedule, but Dermot's here. HI DERMOT!!

9:14: Hello Take That. You're nice, I like you.

Their first live performance of Happy Now is actually kinda good (not sure why I'm surprised by that). You can get it from iTunes here.

9:21: Steel yourselves. "Under fives, under attack" does not sound like a good title for a film.

I'm not even going to try to put these things into words. Just call 03457 910 910 and know that you're doing the right thing. If you can afford a lot, give it. If not, give what you can.

9:25: The Gigglers invade the stage, and it's a nice way to break the tension. Welcome relief... comic relief.

...and Sainsbury's have raised a pretty incredible £10,030,984. That's frankly incredible.

9:29: Ant and Dec are invading the telly! And the radio!! Good luck boys (even though they already did it like yesterday or something...)

9:34: Jack Dee is the human embodiment of Comic Relief - hilarious and depressing at the same time. Probably the perfect presenter for a piece about children basically starving to death. Can you help? You can help.

03457 910 910
Don't forget to Gift Aid your donation, if you're a taxpayer

9:39: A bit of a change of mood... not quite sure which is SuBo and which is Peter Kay, but I do love a bit of I Know Him So Well. "In the end, he needs a little bit more than me... I know him so weeeeeelllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

9:44: We're back with David Tennant. This is when it gets scary... the second time you see a celeb, they're usually telling you something worse. And the first time is heartbreaking enough. Please help them.

9:49: Adele would like you to call now. 03457 910 910. If you'd also like to buy this song, Someone Like You is available here. If you do one or the other, give it to Comic Relief, please.

10.30-11.05pm - Lenny Henry and Fearne Cotton

What we're expecting:
- 'Fake That' feat. James Corden, John Bishop, David Walliams, Catherine Tate and Alan Carr
- Miranda Hart
- Ant and Dec's race against time
- Gareth Malone turns chefs into choristers

9:56: Well, they're on a bit early, but that's because the news has shifted around a bit. Don't forget to turn over to BBC Two to stay with them through the news.

Time for a grand total before the news, and it's genuinely insane:


10:00: We're nudging into hour four - politely, of course - with a bit of Fake That.

If you want to DONATE BY TEXT, it's "YES" to 70005 to give £5 and to 70010 to give £10 (or you can give £1 by texting 70011). If you donate to Comic Relief by SMS, do follow the instructions to Gift Aid your donation. Please. It's worth a lot of money to some people who really need it.

10:04: Not sure what's more impressive, Lenny Henry walking on hot coals, or saying "Holy shit", "Fuck" and "Did I just say fuck on BBC Two?" on live television.

10:08: Another reminder of why this night is important. Malaria's become a pretty major topic (if it wasn't to begin with) and it's easy to see why. Send a text, save a life. 70005 buys a mosquito net.

10:09: Not the world's biggest Miranda fan, but this is actually pretty good.

10:16: Miranda's still going. This is mercifully long, gives my typing fingers a rest. Oh bugger, it's over.

Oo, it's JLS with Eyes Wide Shut.

10:22: Jonesey's back to ask for £10. Ten pounds to save two lives. We're drinking two people's lives in wine tonight. That's an uncomfortable feeling.

YES to 70010 to SAVE LIVES.

10:23: It's Gareth Malone with a particularly challenging attempt at making a The Choir. Out of a bunch of TV chefs. Well, they might not all be TVs, but I reckon Ainsley probably is at the weekends...

Nancy Lam!! I love you! And I know how much your left tit weighs, thanks to Banzai!!

Rick Astley's here! This is turning into my favourite VT of the night... can't wait for part two...

10:28: Oh, it's not a part two, it's gonna be live. But first, can you help these kids?

It's mostly on the texting for this part of the night, so YES to 70010 gives £10.

If you can't afford that much, call 03457 910 910 to give by phone.

Go to to give whatever you can online.

And don't forget to Gift Aid your donation, if you're a taxpayer.

10:32: The chefs are back. This had better be good, after just watching a child almost die. Smash it, guys.

I think I just saw Simon Rimmer in there. He's like, local or something. Round these parts, anyway.

10:36: BBC Two is OVER and it's back to BBC One.

It's Smithy time. This must be the part plenty of people were waiting for, right...?? Seems popular in the studio...

10:52: Debra Stephenson gives a scarily accurate impression of Davina and reveals that Walkers crisps have raised over £1.2 million. If you've bought any of those odd flavoured crisps recently, well done.

10:54: Another hard-hitting film. Particularly fine choice of opening music - Mozart, I think. I'll try and work out exactly what it was and update this when I do.

UPDATE: I was wrong on both counts. I was thinking of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, but this astonishing piece of music is actually Spiegel im Spiegel by Arvo Part.

There haven't been many deaths in tonight's films, but this was one of them. It's a remarkably underplayed theme, given the subject of tonight. Never forget that your money is not just helping people - it's saving lives.

10:59: Taking us into hour five, it's the second part of Uptown Downstairs Abbey. Never quite got into the series, but these sketches are doing good things for me.

11:07: Oo, Wossy must have been delayed by the news. Or something. This hour feels like it's lasted forever. Is it really time for some close-up magic? Cool!

11.05pm-12.01am - Jonathan Ross and Claudia Winkleman

What we're expecting:
- David Walliams' 24 Hour Panel People
- Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge
- The Inbetweeners' Rude Road Trip

11:12: Better late than never, it's Jonathan Ross! And Winkleface is back, hurrah :)

OK, we're straight into the Inbetweeners' Rude Road Trip. "I'm looking for a place named Quim??" Brilliant. This is why we send the kids to bed.

God I wish I could type fast enough and stop laughing long enough to list every place they visited. There's some pretty good place names listed here!

11:21: Wait... how, actually, did they materialise the TARDIS on live telly? I'm glad we're recording this so I can check that again later.

11:23: It's Alan Partridge and that half-goat man from the O2 adverts, I think.

If you're on pay as you go, text till it won't let you any more. If you're on contract, maybe try to keep track.

11:29: George Michael's version of True Faith finally gets an outing. It's actually the first time I've seen the video, it's nice to see the references to New Order. Our full review is here if you fancy taking a read.

11:33: Jack Dee's back, this time showing his more upbeat side with some good news. It's a rare glimpse of hope that helps us all get through Red Nose Day to the early hours.

11:37: Elbow are here with a full choir. Wossy says these are the moments Red Nose Day is about - at least in TV terms, I guess - and I'm inclined to agree.

That's the kind of big-sound, everyone-sing Elbow performance we know and love.

11:42: Chris Moyles and Dave Vitty set a world record for the longest ever team radio broadcast and make a brilliant £2.6 million in the process. A veritable cavalcade of other radio fundraisers that I can't possibly keep up with, but well done to every single one of them.

Is it time for a grand total yet? Or just a BBC radio total? Apparently not, it's more Alan Partridge instead. That's OK.

"Death to the west" on Red Nose Day is the best thing since "White People Stink" trended on Twitter earlier. Not sentiments I necessarily agree with, but I am a fan of free speech... I'm still referring to the Alan Partridge sketch, in case you think I've really gone off-topic.

11:54: So Moyles and Vitty got about eight seconds for their 51-hour effort. How long have they compacted the highlights of 24-hour Panel People into? It's... oh, thought it was about a minute, but looks like they're actually giving it decent coverage.

11:59: Jimmy Carr's taking us into Saturday with some slightly adult humour. Good. He's actually managed to make charity into a stand-up routine, which is impressive.


What we're expecting:
- More 24 Hour Panel People
- Kate Moss in a 'jaw-dropping' sketch
- Angry Boys feat. Chris Lilley
- Armstrong and Miller

12:01: OK, it's past midnight and I'm not exactly sure what the cut-off point is between hours five and six, so I'm starting here. Jimmy Carr's still going, but it sounds like he's wrapping up. That seemed pretty short. Shame.

This track's a bugger to track down if you don't know what it's called. It's by Sigur Ros, and it's Hoppipolla.

12:07: Sometimes these VTs go beyond what they're aiming to do. Sometimes it's not just about helping and hardship. Sometimes they manage to capture a little glimpse of what love is. That's pretty special in itself, whether you give tonight or not.

12:10: I'm not sure this is wise. Karl Pilkington - it's not every year, it's once every two years. The beans joke is old.

12:12: OK, keep hammering and you might turn this one around... Please do, or everyone watching is going to hate you, and that'd be harsh.

12:15: Third time lucky, right? Is there a big "we were joking" reveal at the end of this? No? Oh dear...

£524,100 raised by Kellogg's. That sounds like an awful lot of rice krispie bars. Brilliant!

12:20: Jack Dee again. I'm guessing this will be a bad one... but I guess it's not really a sweepstake for us, is it? It's just a bit of a lottery for Kenyan kids.

"Gloria died because her mum couldn't afford the bus fare to the hospital."

Forget about Comic Relief, and Africa, and read that sentence again. Then give what you can.

12:25: Annie Lennox makes more sense to me with each year that goes by. Universal Child is, as always, heartfelt, moving, and basically perfect.

12:31: More rude place names! Hooray!! Can they really make it to 22 in one day? With some of them demolished? And one-way systems to contend with? Eek...

Is it a total? Yes, it is. Wow. How much?


Fuck me.

That's actually pretty incredible. If you donated - well done. If you haven't? Well, there's still time. You know the numbers, web address etc by now.

12:38: Oh, how odd, it's Armstrong & Miller to present this part from the 1970s Blue Peter studio? That's... a bit... weird.

12:42: Lenny's back! It's not 1am yet though... who's taking us through to 1am? And potentially beyond??

Oh, it's Alan Carr. I'm not sure he's capable of the sincerity that this Red Nose Day needs. Oh, it's all OK, Dav, Fearne and Winkleface are back. Please let them talk and keep Carr to a minimum.

Hmm, I say Winkleface, Fearne says Winklebum. Maybe I should say Winklebum. Is that peer pressure? I'm not too sure...

Carr seems to think this is going on for an hour. Maybe we were misinformed! I'm sure Whitehall and Bridges will be along at some point.

12:48: Another thank you to the fundraisers up and down the country, and another chance to hear a snatch of Gold Forever, this year's official single by The Wanted. Download it here. Every purchase helps Comic Relief.

12:49: Russell Brand's actually pretty decent when he puts 'zany' back in the locker. Not too sure why they've waited until this time of night to show his VT.

12:56: I do believe Fearne Cotton just promised to put the swimming costume on again if they get a million quid this hour. I genuinely love the idea of how much Fearne has raised this year just by getting her kit off a bit. And I mean that in the most respectful of ways, I swear.

12:59: Heading into the final straight now, but there's still time for an all-star version of Empire State of Mind - Newport style. Brilliant. And strangely moving.

FUCK YOU GIO COMPARIO. Sorry. We'd be cursing Paloma Faith if she'd been on yet. Oh, it's 1am. Let's see this thing through, eh?

1.00am - Jack and Kevin's Comic Relief Lock-In

Jack Whitehall and Kevin Bridges round off Red Nose Day with clip-based comedy from Steve Coogan, Ben Stiller, Rob Brydon, Armstrong and Miller, Mitchell and Webb, Miranda Hart, Sean Lock, Ronnie Corbett and Kate Moss.

1:04: I actually have no idea who Chris Lilley is, but he doesn't look very talented based on these clips. I'm prepared to be wrong...

1:11: David Tennant's back. I'm not sure his is the VT that's hit me hardest this year - but it's no less important than the rest, by any means. £5 buys a mosquito net, and silences one of those screams in that hospital. £5 so a child never has to scream in agony. 70010 and the word YES gives £10 from you, so two children can live a little safer. Do it if you can.

1:17: Davina says goodnight, and her parting shot is to introduce what looks like some slightly more in-depth highlights of David Walliams' 24-hour Panel People. I'm gonna sit back and watch this one, so I'll be with you in a few minutes...

1:25: The Axis of Awesome getting big response on Twitter. And doing good work on Red Nose Day, for this time of night, too. Kick some energy back into it, boys!

1:30: It's actually hard to type while watching this. This isn't people dying in Africa, or people living with illness in the UK. This is people dying. In the UK. Every day. Give what you can, if you can.

1:34: It's that groundbreaking Kate Moss sketch. I'm not convinced. She looks like she's one of the people we're supposed to be helping.

1:38: Wow... I have a Nick Knowles shrine too. Never thought me and Alan Carr would have anything in common!

And 'Wine Relief' raises £344,917, which is a nice top-up (pun intended) to tonight's total.

1:42: Selinah.

1:44: More 24-hour Panel People. Nice. But, again, is there any of the Radio 1 effort coming up? I'm sure there will be. I'm just eager to see it, that's all.

1:51: Even more 24-hour Panel People. It's actually good to see this get a decent outing, I didn't catch a great deal of it first time around.

Well that's weird, this highlights package had a different "three... two... one..." countdown to the last one. Is that possible? I'm not sure. It must be the magic of television.

1:56: It's Esther's story again. Gonna watch this one. Back shortly.

2:01: Alex Zane and a bit of Rude Tube has to be a good thing.

"The ripping and the tearing!!" Brilliant.

Hmm, Dansquad points out that Fearne's missing. Changing into her swimming costume, perhaps??

2:06: The highlights package means we're reaching the end of a mammoth broadcast. It's been an entertaining night, for sure. Oh, wait, there's still Whitehall and Bridges to come? OK then.

Total time:


This is a great few minutes of telly. Fearne Cotton's back in the swimsuit, albeit briefly.

Then it's an awesome singalong - a fairly terrible rendition of Never Forget by a motley crue of celebs, but that doesn't matter. We've spotted Rimmer, and Nancy Lam's left tit, so it's all good.

This has genuinely been an amazing night - the figures speak for themselves. I'm gonna try and stay up for the comedy lock-in, because it actually looks pretty good, but I think that's it for the Red Nose Day live show.

2:16: I can't imagine it was meant to take this long for the comedy lock-in to start, but here we are. Anyone still up and watching this? Is it just me?

2:20: More from Armstrong and Miller. This looks horribly familiar. As in I've had conversations like this myself, not as in "it's a repeat". I know what a clip show is, and I'm fine with it.

2:25: Voiceover Man Peter Dickson. "I love the smell of Jedward in the morning." Odd, but brilliant.

2:27: Charlie Brooker. I'm not so sure this is comedy - I generally find it more a horrifying insight into what we're fed in the name of news these days. I guess it's funny too though, so that's good.

2:29: A little reminder that Red Nose Day isn't quite over. It's not too late - you can still give by all of the methods we've listed above. Please scroll up if you don't already know the number, or the URL. It's important.

2:33: Genuinely thought Ronnie Corbett opened that sketch by saying "I bought something from your arse-squeak." It was "last week", in case you wondered.

2:37: A bit of the Inbetweeners. Speaks for itself really, doesn't it?

2:39: Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan in The Trip. An excellent and slightly undervalued series, it seems to me...

2:44: Gladys and Ron. This really is the story of love. We should actually envy them, not pity them. They're rich with love, but that doesn't mean that they don't need our help. If you can, give your money tonight - today - or whenever you can - and do the right thing for someone who really deserves it.

I want to say something now. It's been on my mind all night, and I need to say it. If you're reading this tomorrow, or next week, please know that I do mean this, as I type it now and as you read it.

If you can't give now - because you're waiting for payday, or simply because you can't afford it - then please give when you can. Put a Post-It on the fridge, or a reminder in your phone, or something like that. But don't forget. When you can donate, do. It could be one of the most important things you ever do.

If you can give now, but you can't give much - give what you can. You only have to give a few pence to top up the total, and with millions of people giving, 1p each would be £10,000. A pound each would be £1,000,000. Anything you can give really matters. Anything you give will save lives.

If you can give now, and you've got a decent amount in the bank, listen to Davina. Give as much as you can. £150 would be incredible. £1,000 would be breathtaking. The point is, this isn't a tax. You can give as much or as little as you choose. It genuinely all helps.

2:56: Misery Bear's back, getting involved and doing something funny for money. I'm actually not sure why Kate Moss keeps appearing tonight, but she's not been too much of a distraction, so I guess it's fine.

3:01: We're into hour... erm... NINE. I'd actually love for Red Nose Day to hit double figures. I know it almost certainly won't, but it would seem somehow fitting in this year of marathon efforts.

3:04: This film brings it down to the scale of four children. Four children. Three will live. One will die. How do you choose? Who should ever have to choose? It's a microcosm for what everyone in these films is going through. We can share this burden. We can share the wealth. We can share some hope tonight.

3:12: We're still going. Incredible. It's another highlights package from tonight's live show, but it's just brilliant that Red Nose Day is still broadcasting. We're not going to bed here until the bitter end. Stay with us.

3:23: £10 buys 12 rapid testing kits for malaria. £45 buys 54 kits, by my count. But you know... you could buy a kit for, like, 80p. Even if that's all you can give, you could still save a life. Go for it. You know you want to help.

3:25: Mitchell & Webb's brain surgery vs. rocket science sketch. Brilliant. I might be biased on that one though.

3:32: Man who sat, for an hour, face-down on the bar in the background with 70010 printed across your forehead, for a joke that lasted about three seconds - we salute you. You just saved somebody's life. Probably a few lives.

3:34: Eek, they just said "last big push". I literally do not want this to end.

This night is so beyond anything we can understand as individuals. Even the people we see in the VTs couldn't comprehend what each other is going through. Nobody should have to bear one of those burdens, let alone all of them.

Comic Relief helps charities that specialise on each of the horrible, terrible situations you see in the films. They spread the load, and help as many people as they can. For our part, we give as much or as little as we can - and it turns into over £74 million in a single night. This is what we can achieve together, and it makes me genuinely proud to be British.

If you've given tonight, well done. If you haven't, I understand why. Whatever your reason, I understand it. Even if you just don't care. I understand. If you couldn't afford it - I understand. Doing this together means balancing the total for those who can't or won't give. And that's the way it is - so do what you can or will, and accept it whichever way it goes.

3:45 and they're having a pub quiz?? Maybe we'll make it into hour 10 after all... A quiz on a Friday night seems like a good idea. Maybe if it was on Twitter. And called, say, the Friday Twiz. With its own #fridaytwiz hashtag. And a charismatic Twizmaster on the @FridayTwiz profile.

3:47: I'm gonna stop indulging myself. It's time, once again, for Selinah. If you click one link in this, click this one.

3:49: 4Tissimo. I think. May have spelt that wrong. Sounds a lot like Peter Dickson in the shower, to me. There's a mental image I didn't really need...

I'm fairly sure none of my neighbours are up at this time of night, and I'm loving how loud these opera performances are. It's not the way the clip's supposed to entertain me, but it's doing its job all the same.

3:53: Sean Lock. I love Sean Lock. I love that he's not afraid to take the piss out of himself. That was a sadly short clip though.

3:54: I think that might be it. Is there a montage or anything? There's some 4Tissimo, or however we're spelling that. Is this the end??

3:59: OK, I suppose I should have been expecting it to end now. I wasn't expecting that particular montage, foolishly. All of the night's heart-rending VTs, edited into one package. With Adele singing over it, too.

Nine hours later, I'm trying to sum up what's just happened, and I'm finding it hard. An awful lot of money was raised, that much is clear. It's a shame there wasn't an update on the total at 4am, for those of us who stuck with Red Nose Day right to the end. And it is the total that matters - every few pence can really save a life.

We've given what we can afford to give here, and hopefully we've helped at least some of you to find the right way to donate too. If you haven't already Gift Aided your pledge, please do. You need to be a taxpayer, but if you are, please find the way to add your tax to the amount - it can be a significant top-up to your donation.

There's really nothing more I can say. Those of you who have been with us tonight, thank you. We've had visitors from all over the world - from Whangarei in New Zealand to Fairborn in the US, from Brisbane in Australia to Porto in Portugal, from Budapest in Hungary to Bogota in Colombia. Over 60 of you have joined us just during the Red Nose Day broadcast itself, with many more following us on Twitter. If any one of you donated, it's been worth the effort.

And with that I guess it's goodnight. Red Nose Day aside, today was an incredible day for me. Here's hoping nobody has to suffer on Saturday, whoever they are and wherever they may be. Goodnight all.

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